It comes once a year. Single-spaced and, if your lucky, double-sided. It's the annual holiday letter. It was once a holiday ritual, my mother and I lovingly mocking relatives who furiously licked stamps and scribbled on envelopes to send to family members they rarely saw, hardly knew. We chuckled, we scoffed, we were glad they weren't us.
-If you even think about doing something like this, I'll kill ya, Ma.
-Oh I would never. Whattamy gonna write? This year my son drank a few beers and puked in the kitchen and my daughter told us all that she's gay. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
-Ha
Was my mother jealous? Discuss.
What is really newsworthy is usually the things that are omitted from the holiday letter. Smudged out and forgotten, Done away with to make room for graduation announcements, mountains climbed, employment changes, notable travel excursions, hardships overcome, etc. One recent evening at a friend's apartment by the fire, I pulled one of this year's holiday letters out of my bag to read aloud. I tried my best to adopt the tone of its author, a seasoned holiday letter writer with a penchant for braggery. My kid is the shit, etc. It was what my mother and I would call a real gem. I tried to read it at the speed at which I think she would have read it, the same level of enthusiasm. I tried my best to ignore the irritating gramatical errors. It was fascinating. My friend countered with a holiday letter of her own, written by a first or second timer who used too much punctuation!!!!!!???!!!!!!:::!!!( ). It got us thinking. What does it mean to be on someone's holiday letter list? And, more gravely, how does it feel to be removed from a holiday letter list? What does it mean once the boozy Christmas-Hannukah-Kwanza-New Years cloud lifts, and you notice your mantle is curiously vacant. We talked about this. We talked about this and other indications people give to let you know that you are no longer in the top ten. Top whatever, for that matter. And who cares. What a passive way to let you know you've been shot down like a Blackhawk in 'Nam.
-You are no longer considered one of the people "we" or "I" would like to correspond with (correspond may be the wrong word here as holiday letters are largly a one-way communication). Anyway, the holiday letter....