truly tasteless jokes

My uncle says the reason why my great-aunt Eva and the house she lives in stink on hot ice is because, with no washing machine on the premeses, she's been hand-washing her linens for fifty years. I think that's gross. The smell hits you like a heavy fog the moment you walk through her door. Kissing her on the cheek is a sour unpleasantry. The stuffiness inside makes it apparent that opening the windows is an annual occurance. Her kitchen is grimy, the countertops crumby and cluttered. Stained with sauce from one of last year's homemade meals. If this were Queens there would be roaches everywhere. My edgy anticipation of seeing one scurrying by is assuaged only by the knowledge that we are not in Queens.

It takes a little elbow grease to break through the crust sealing the vintage bottle of Worchestershire sauce I use to make the Bloody Marys. Eva loves a good Bloody Mary. The cleaning lady has drunk and replaced with water the vodka she had, so we get another bottle at the liquor store. I mix the drinks and give her a sip to test. More tomato juice, she says, to cut the...
Vodka, i say, is it too strong? No, to cut the spiciness, she says, cut the hot but never the booze, never the booze, Kiddo.

Eva, at the table reciting a pair of off-color jokes.

Lufthansa was chartering a flight over the Atlantic. After reaching a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain came over the intercom and addressed the passengers. "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. It looks like clear skies from here on out, and we should be arriving in Berlin, on schedule at 4:35. That is, if you do exactly what we tell you to do."

Israeli airlines El Al was shuttling a plane full of Americans back to New York. An hour or so into the flight, the captain's voice was heard over the intercom. "Folks, we hope you enjoy the flight today. We usually travel at 13,000 feet, but today we'll be traveling at 15,000 feet special for you."